I have a thought. If you can never make something so small that it disappears, does that mean that ice cubes never melt totally and there are just infinitely small ice cubes all over the place?
All any of us wants is to be fucking understood, like someone else in the goddamn world looking at you and seeing every single thing that broke your trust and every backhanded comment that you can’t scrub out of your consciousness and every excuse you make for yourself and every label you put on yourself to keep from floating in all different directions. Everyone wants someone to see all of that and come and drink you up anyways and to give you love that would make you fall down to your knees sobbing with shaky hands and quivering lips. And what is sadder than all of the homicide, abused animals, rape, and ignorance in the world is that no one will ever know everything about you except the crazy person in your head that you are loathe to admit is you.
I like to think that there is a secret community of people who still use MySpace and they throw epic parties every weekend and all of them know each other by name and they have this big website playground that is all theirs to do with as they please and I imagine it feels like having a sleepover with your best friends in your school when it’s empty otherwise.
Something that upsets me is our generation’s loss of wonder and amazement. We are an age group that describes pizza as being epic. We are not entertained by something unless it is over the top, theatrical, and sexy. We have seen everything in the world and know more more than any other generation without leaving our screens. But the not knowing is what is supposed to make life worthwhile. Not knowing and being preoccupied by the small and the inconsequential is what keeps interest in life alive. We are a hard-to-please and wonder less group of people, and that is sad.
I am really becoming convinced that being beautiful is inconsequential. I like being called beautiful, but I am starting to think that it is so one dimensional. I mean, calling big people and skinny people and disabled people and trans people and gay people and ALL people beautiful is fine…but it isn’t necessary. In a perfect world everyone should be content to try to be a good person and seek praise because of their goodness and not their beauty or non-beauty.
I watched The Life of Pi recently. There was this idea of practicing multiple religions at once because God can show itself in many ways, including in these religions. I do not believe in Christianity or Islam but Hinduism/Buddhism has been very intriguing to me for quite a while. Plus I think I sort of believe in karma as well which I think is basically God without all of the traditional rules, regulations, and “you can go to heaven, if you do x, y, and z”. Or maybe God exists in all of our own minds as our superego that tells us what is right to do and we must strive to balance what is right to do and what makes us happy. Maybe the balance itself is God. If that is the case then there are billions of Gods all living inside the infinity of each person’s mind.
If that is true then I believe that meditation might bring me closer to finding the God/karmic balance within me. I think that if clearing the mind is possible and if transcending thought is possible then perhaps buried under all of the mire is clarity and understanding of oneself and one’s own mind. To me, that prospect is too impressive to not take seriously. I can only imagine perfect clarity and in my imagination it sounds like something that I would like to attempt to find.
This may sound silly, but since Taylor released Red I actually have lost sleep worrying about her. In “The Lucky One” she just sounds so…sad. And when I first listened to it I started feeling a little guilty. Like by idolizing her I somehow have contributed to her distaste for being famous as of late. Oh, the poor thing. I really hope she knows that any real fan of hers would totally understand if she just wanted to fade into the background and attempt to go back to normal. She has given so much of herself to people like me that all I wish is that she could be happy and feel right.
Live in the now
What a comforting thought