I am so tired and decided to try that other tumblr post on my mom and this happened
I guess I will serenade my animals until I feel better.
My brother just walked in on me enthusiastically singing and dancing to My Humps. I have never screamed so loud.
Nature is beautiful
I was talking to my puppy just now about how she shouldn’t chew things and pee on the floor and then come over wagging her tail like nothing happened. I said “pretty soon your looks won’t cut it. Pretty soon we will throw you out into the street. You’ll be a RUFFian.” And even she looked annoyed by that statement.
Advice Mallard, throwing some serious shade
So my brother found this…
My statistics teacher is the best. When introducing himself to the class he says:
"I can be bribed! However…I cannot be bribed with money. I have too much. I can’t be bribed with sex because…oh wait"
"Something here is a rye" said the detective in the bread factory
Don’t mistakenly text my boyfriend.
- Person I know online: you're beautiful
- Me: no, I've just mastered the art of taking selfies that don't make me look like a troll
If you are really OCD you will spot what is wrong with this picture.
90% of what I do while grocery shopping alone is laugh at my own inner dialogue.
I work at a library. My mild mannered boss, a librarian, was working on a computer when a spider crawled up the wall. She got a swiffer and tried to get it and it fell on her desk and she really quietly just said “You bastard”.
Okay, so my boyfriend and I took this Creative Writing class together at our college and the last unit was playwriting. He turned this in to our professor and got a perfect score.
Rebecca: A pre-teen girl who really likes Friday.
Rebecca’s Mom: Literally has no other purpose in this play than having given birth to Rebecca.
Preteen: Enjoys offering his peers rides.
Graham Chapman as the Colonel: Serves as an artful ending to the play.
Child: Unfortunate enough to have come into contact with Rebecca.
(It is early morning. Black room, single bed with a multitude of stuffed animals. The main character Rebecca has just woken up and realized it is, indeed, Friday. Enter in medias res)
Rebecca: (speaking to a variety of stuffed animals) HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS, IT’S FRIDAY!! I’m so entirely pumped for the weekend! You have no idea!
Rebecca’s mom: Honey! It’s time for school. You need to come downstairs and eat.
Rebecca: Okay, Mom! (to self) I think I’ll have some Corn Pops today. Do they even still make those?
(Fade out. Remove bed, enter bus stop sign. Enter Rebecca)
Rebecca: I hate standing at the bus stop. People are always throwing things at me as they drive by. I suppose I’m lucky I don’t live in the ‘hood’ anymore. Rotten fruits are better than bullets. I do miss the thug life, though… (Thoughts are interrupted by the arrival of 3-4 gawky looking preteens in a car) Oh! Hi, guys! What are you doing? We’re like 12. We can’t drive cars yet. Does your mom know you took that? Seriously. None of you guys are even buckled in.
Preteen #1: Dude, shut up. Do you want a ride with us?
Rebecca: I don’t know. There’s like one available seat in this entire vehicle. I need to ponder which one I should take for a second. People are both in the front seat and in the back seat. We are really in a quandary, aren’t we guys?
Preteen #1: Whatever, loser. (drives off)
Rebecca: Oh. Looks like I’m taking the bus. I’ll probably sit in the back seat. Kind of like Rosa Parks…
(Fade out. Remove bus stop sign, enter single desk complete with small child. Enter Rebecca)
Rebecca: And now, unfortunate child who I tutor, we shall learn the days of the week! As we all know, today is Friday. That means yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow will be Saturday, and then Sunday will come afterwards.
Child: I am not participating in this skit anymore because I have deemed it too silly! (falls out of chair dead)
Rebecca: That’s super unfortunate. Somebody isn’t having a very good Friday.
Graham Chapman as the Colonel: I quite agree. This is getting far too silly. I demand that this be ended immediately.
(Fade to black, close curtain)