My brother just walked in on me enthusiastically singing and dancing to My Humps. I have never screamed so loud.
I had some really weird dreams last night. Sam from iCarly stole my dream-boyfriend, I moved back into this apartment I used to live in and was given the room shared with 3 people instead of my old bedroom, and I had to collect animals for some doctor like a falcon, a ram, an ocelot, and other stuff. Plus I beat up some kids on a playground to defend my brother’s honor and I got this anti-weed tarp for my garden that attracts rats but repels bees.
Nature is beautiful
You don’t know what being overlooked is until you live in upstate New York.
Current mood: coming to terms with the fact that my mother’s nipples are going to be on tumblr.
I was talking to my puppy just now about how she shouldn’t chew things and pee on the floor and then come over wagging her tail like nothing happened. I said “pretty soon your looks won’t cut it. Pretty soon we will throw you out into the street. You’ll be a RUFFian.” And even she looked annoyed by that statement.
Advice Mallard, throwing some serious shade
So my brother found this…
My statistics teacher is the best. When introducing himself to the class he says:
"I can be bribed! However…I cannot be bribed with money. I have too much. I can’t be bribed with sex because…oh wait"
Half an erection is better than no erection
"Something here is a rye" said the detective in the bread factory
Don’t mistakenly text my boyfriend.
- Person I know online: you're beautiful
- Me: no, I've just mastered the art of taking selfies that don't make me look like a troll
If you are really OCD you will spot what is wrong with this picture.
I work at a library. My mild mannered boss, a librarian, was working on a computer when a spider crawled up the wall. She got a swiffer and tried to get it and it fell on her desk and she really quietly just said “You bastard”.